For My Stuffies

 Oh hello there! Long time no speak... it's been several months since I posted. There's only like one person who even reads my blog (thank you, babe), so I doubt anyone missed me, but here I am.

I'm not sure why I wanted to make this post, if I'm being honest, but I thought I'd share something very personal to me.

I have several stuffed animals (stuffies as one of my nephews calls them). Some I've had since I was a kid while some are newer to my collection. For example, my husband and I were walking through Walmart a month or so before Easter, and I saw this big bunny. It's sort of a teal blue with lime green accessories, and I thought it was the cutest thing ever. My husband bought him for me. His name is Bluey. His name is a bit on the nose, but that's the name that came to me.

There was also a stuffed animal I came across at Barnes and Noble years ago. It was this green monster that was released with a book about the monster. There was a whole collection of monsters and accompanying books, but I fell in love with the one named Pickle. My husband bought it for me for Christmas that year.

Bluey and Pickle are just a couple of my recent additions, but I also have a few that go back a little further in my life.

Sharky is a dolphin pillow pet I got right before I went off to college. I'm not sure who gave him to me or why, but I always wanted a pillow pet, so thank you to whoever bought him for me. When I went off to college, he didn't have a name yet, so my freshmen roommate jokingly said to call him Sharky. Here we are ten years later, and that's still his name (thank you, Amanda).

There are so many more. And around 8 ish years ago, my mom packed up all the ones that I didn't have much of a connection to and donated them.. I think they went to a children's hospital, but it was so long ago that I don't fully recall. I felt weird about getting rid of them, but I didn't have as big an emotional connection with them, so it wasn't worth keeping them all. Not even joking, I want to say there were eat least 50 stuffed animals. I certainly didn't have the space in the places I've lived over the years (still don't), so it just made sense to get rid of them.

Most of the ones I kept sit on top of one of my bookshelves, but there are two specifically that live in my bed with me that I sleep with every night.

Firstly, there's Pinky.

Pinky came into my life when I was like 10, I think. I had to get my tonsils removed, and I was terrified, so my parents bought him for me as a gift to carry into surgery with me. I adore Pinky. I hate the color pink and pretty much always have, but I just love this aggressively hot pink bear. He comes and goes from my bed, but more often than not, my bed is his home.

Pinky is definitely showing his age.. especially around his nose and some of his ribbons. But I love him, and I'm so glad to still have him.

And then there's Snowy. 

Snowy has been my best friend through it all. I don't know exactly when I got him, but I assume I was very young. There isn't a time in my life I don't remember having him. 

He has followed me to summers camps, college, and several moves. With very few exceptions, I have slept with him every night. Even now, as an adult, I will bring him with me if I'm spending the night away from home. He brings me comfort and peace, which is immeasurably important. 

I remember being fairly young and leaving him at a hotel around 5 hours away from home. My family and I were maybe an hour away from the hotel and heading home, and I lost my damn mind. I remember being so stressed and overwhelmed without him. I seem to recall my mom calling the hotel to see if they had him, but I don't remember the resolution. Part of me remembers him being packed in a suitcase, so we didn't have to go back, but part of me also remembers driving back to get him. I don't know which ending of the story is accurate, but I remember how upset and devastated I was at the thought of losing him.

For many years, high school and a bit of college mainly, I was so embarrassed to still sleep with a stuffed animal (or two), but as I've gotten older, I just have to laugh at myself. Who cares? My husband knew about Snowy specifically very early on in our relationship and, from what he's told me at least, doesn't seem to care. He still has some of his stuffed animals. He doesn't sleep with them, but I know he would be devastated if he didn't have them anymore.

I guess my point here is that you should do what you want. An old friend of mine used to bring her "blankie" with her when we'd watch horror movies. People do what they have to do to stay sane. If you have a stuffie, blanket, or, hell, even an old ass t-shirt that brings you comfort, then good for you! We all need comfort of some form. We all need that emotional support. In my case, I have my family (husband included) and my stuffed animals. My husband has a ratty t-shirt that's like 20 years old or something that he wears from time to time. Hopefully he's not mad about me including that... Sorry, babe.

Don't let societal standards turn you into too much of an adult. It's no fun.

Thanks for reading! See you on the next one! 

All we can do is keep breathing

 
Hi, everyone.

It's definitely been a while since I've posted... October of 2023, I think, was the last time I used this blog. I'm not really sure what to even say. Things are really bad right now in the world, and it's incredibly difficult to stay motivated and positive. 

I read this thing on Facebook that my aunt shared earlier today that made me feel validated. Stay with me here because I'm definitely paraphrasing and adding my own comments in to what I read.

It's okay to feel tired and exhausted. We spent a year really going hard with the fight and pushing ourselves to not lose hope. We spent almost ten years arguing with our friends, family, and randos on the internet to no avail. We lost the election. After the election and after he took power, we just sort of shut down. I've shut down, and based on what I'm seeing in the world and on social media, it appears I'm not alone. We're exhausted and disappointed. We're just fucking tired.

I for one have felt so very guilty over the last month and a bit because, although I wasn't doing the arguing or fighting, I was doom scrolling a lot and trying to find hope. I feel empty and have felt empty since the loss especially. I've felt guilty for not keeping up with the news like I previously had. I avoid certain social media sites (you know exactly which one specifically) because it is too hard to see all the negativity and hate in there. But I'm giving myself some grace.

Things are horrible. The man in power is destroying this country and we're only a few days in to his term. And I still feel guilty for not putting more energy into staying alert and aware. But you know what? I just can't do it right now. I had the holidays to try and focus on good things, but was depressed for literally all of it. I didn't enjoy my holiday season as much as I would have liked even though so many fun things occurred. It's hard to quantify the heartbreak I feel, but I know I'm not alone.

All of this is to say that although it may not be the right thing to sort of bury my head in the sand, I'm giving myself some grace.

We fought. We argued. We stood up. But we still lost. We shut down.

This post I saw on Facebook basically said that it's okay to take a break. We need to rest after all those years of fighting. We need to rest and come back rejuvenated. 

To be honest, I don't know if we will come back stronger. But for the first time in a while, I have a small amount of hope that spring will be a renewal and we will come back and fight again. We just need a rest.

Spring is a time for renewal and rebirth in nature. And although I really hate summer (so so much hatred), I love spring. I find the trees sprouting and the grass turning green again a beautiful thing. My allergies aren't a fan, but my heart and soul are. I always get a little depressed after Christmas and New Years after the Christmas trees and lights and decorations come down, but this year was even harder due to the state of the country and the world. So spring will bring back the color into my life that has been missing.

I am not much of a fighter and never have been, but I will try to be a safe place for anyone who needs it. I have my own battles that are coming just like everyone else does, but I want to be there for anyone who needs it. My home is a safe place. 

What I'm getting at in this long winded and rambly post is that things are going to get even worse. I don't think any of us can deny that. Although my hope is almost completely gone, I am trying to find it again. 

Let's rise up and keep fighting in whatever way we can for what we believe in and what we know is right. If we don't, no one else will.

It’s been a minute

 Hi, all. I just wanted to hop in and say that I’m still here. It’s been a while, I know. But life is crazy, and I have other priorities.

I’ll hopefully be back soon.

Byeeeeee!

Brace yourselves ;)

 Helllooooo!

Story time!

Almost 6 years ago, I started at my current job. It was my first real job sitting at a computer and typing all day. About 6 months to a year in, I noticed that my wrists were starting to hurt. I didn't think anything of it, and mentioned it to my manager just in a normal conversation. She looked at me and said something along the lines of, "well shoot.. now I have to report this."

At the time, I had no idea why she had to report it. My wrists hurt. Who cares?

Well... turns out, I got carpal tunnel syndrome because of all the typing at the computer. I literally had no clue that workers comp was a thing for something so simple. My assumption of workers comp was that it was for people who fell off ladders and dropped stuff on their heads.. I don't know. I didn't expect that it would be for people who had pain in their wrists from typing all day.

So I had to have a meeting with the business's nurse, and then go see a specialist, but the specialist was not approved by the business (because they didn't tell me I needed to see a business approved specialist), so I had to go see ANOTHER specialist, and then had to go to physical therapy for a few months.

The new specialist gave me wrist braces that were MASSIVE. Because, apparently, I have realllllly small wrists, which wasn't something I really understood until that moment in time. I tried these wrist braces several times, but they just didn't do anything for me. It was really unfortunate.

Luckily, my boyfriend realized that he was also having a bit of wrist pain, and the braces fit him perfectly, so it all worked out. I went out and bought a couple of new ones from the local Walmart that have served me well.

My wrist pain is constant, unfortunately, but some days are not as bad as others, which I'm grateful for. If the pain gets a lot worse, I'll probably have to have surgery or something, which I am absolutely trying to avoid. So I have some exercises I do for my wrists that I learned in physical therapy. It's been almost 6 years and it's only gotten a little worse lol...

But anyways, the entire point to this post was to really share the wrist braces I have purchased in case there's anyone out there reading this that is also experiencing wrist pain and wants to buy wrist braces. I've bought a couple from Walmart, then found them at my local grocery store, and have now located them on Amazon, which is amazing. They're slightly cheaper on Amazon, and it's more reliable. I can never guarantee if I'll find them at Walmart or the grocery store, so it's really nice that they're available on Amazon.

I also need to get a new pair roughly every 18 months or so depending on how rough I am on them (I'm not a very good sleeper). They are sturdy, but because I religiously wear them every night, they tend to wear out fast for me.

I've posted some screenshots below from the Amazon site. One wrist brace is around $16, which is a bit expensive since it's just one, but if you have wrist pain, I promise you this is worth it. My boyfriend has a similar one to the ones I have, but I think he only has one for the wrist that really bothers him, so if it's just one wrist that bothers you, then just get the one.

It is weird to get used to sleeping with wrist braces on, tbh, but now I can't sleep without them. If I end up taking a nap or something without them, my wrists hurt so badly, and it's just awful.

So yeah, I definitely think that anyone who has wrist pain should try these, or any wrist braces honestly, because it has changed my life.

Here's a link in case you're interested:

Wrist Braces on Amazon

Also, once again, I do not get any sort of credit for posting this. It's not sponsored. I just believe in the wrist braces, and wanted to share. 

Okie dokie, I think that's it for this one. Thanks for reading!

And if you have experiences with wrist braces, please let me know. If there's a better product out there, I'd love to hear about it.

Bye, everyone. See you on the next one!

Time Capsule

 A few months back, the idea of time capsules came up. I couldn't tell you how it came up, who it came up with, or what the conversation was like, but it got me thinking about myself.

I don't really have an interest in doing a time capsule now as an adult. For me, I don't think it's necessary.

However, I got to thinking about what would have been in a time capsule if I had made one when I was younger.

So here's to a list of things, both real and metaphorical, I would have put into a time capsule when I was 16 years old along with some notes from adult me.

I would have put a picture of myself in the hopes that I would have thinned out.

Back then, I thought that my weight was my self worth. I still struggle with the idea that my weight doesn't define me, but I was thinner when I was 16 than I have been since, and I wish that 16 year old me could have just loved herself for who she was instead of constantly worrying about her body and how other people perceived her body. I made a lot of mistakes because of my low self esteem; I thought I was so fat and ugly. And looking back, I just wish I could hug 16 year old me and tell her that she needed to love herself and accept who she was... not that she would have listened lol

I would have put mix CD's filled with emo music that I loved at the time.

What a joke. I was convinced that my "emo" phase wasn't a phase and was just who I was. Don't get me wrong, I still have some love for some of the music, but I rarely listen to it anymore because it brings me back to how dark things were for me.

I would have put my heart inside in the hopes that by now I would be married and have children.

I remember thinking about this a lot. I figured that I would be a failure if I wasn't married with children by the time I was 30. I'm only a little over a year away from 30 and I tell you what, my opinions have drastically changed. I'm in a committed relationship with a man I love deeply. But we aren't getting married. I don't want to get married. And we are absolutely not having children, because we don't want children. It's absolutely nuts to think that I used to just assume that I had to have children; I didn't think it was an option or choice.

I would have put Snowy, my beloved polar bear stuffed animal, inside because I was embarrassed to still be sleeping with him every night.

Snowy is a little worse for wear, but I still sleep with him every single night, and I have absolutely no shame whatsoever. He makes me feel at home, and I will never stop sleeping with him (unless he gets absolutely wrecked and I have to either throw him out - which will never happen - or get him fixed up).

I would have put my bracelets inside to use as a cover-up when I cut my wrists.

Such a dark time of my life. I cut my wrists for many years as a way to exchange my emotional and mental pain for physical pain. To ensure that I hid the cuts and scars, I wore these beaded bracelets I still have to this day. I don't use them anymore, thankfully, but I keep them as a reminder that my life is precious, and there are better ways to handle my mental health.

I would have put my poetry inside because I had really high expectations that I would be a famous author.

Ya know, this one took me a long time to accept. I still would love to be published some day, but it's not really a huge goal anymore. I'm average. I'm not going to be famous or rich or anything like that, and I'm absolutely okay with that. I am damn good at my job right now, and I love what I do. I don't need to be a famous writer to be worthy. 

I would have put my ripped up jeans with the splatter paint on them inside because I wanted so badly to be cool and fit in.

Wow... this one is hard for me. I think about those jeans often and kind of miss them. However, I only bought them because I thought they would somehow make me cooler. What a friggen joke. Jeans can't do that. I was never going to fit in while I was in high school. I was never going to be liked. As an adult, I am much happier with my close-knit group of people I spend time with (mainly my boyfriend and family). They love me for who I am and not for the show I put on. I don't need to be popular and be liked by the masses. Now, I wear clothes I want to wear. Hell, the only jeans I own are jeggings. So take that 16 year old me!

I would have put my birth control packets inside because I didn't think I'd ever go off of it. 

I didn't realize how big a toll the pill had on my mental and physical health. I was on birth control for almost 10 years of my life (starting at a fairly young age), and going off of it was brutal. Everything went completely off the rails in my body and brain, which was to be expected. But once regulated, my body has taken care of me. I am able to better understand my mental health and menstrual cycles. Birth control was bad for me (just my experience), and going off of it was one of the hardest and best decisions of my life.

I would have put the picture my ex drew for me while he was in jail inside because even through so many breakups, I knew we were end game.

**BARF**. While I was in high school, my ex went to jail. While in jail, he wrote me letters and made a kinda cute drawing for me. I cherished that drawing for many years. Little does 16 year old me know, I burned that shit while I was in college. Although I have moments where I'm grateful for that relationship, I also remember just how toxic it was. It ruined a part of me in a way I can't describe, and I'm scarred for life because of it. I've learned what healthy relationships look like now as an adult, and it's really painful to look back. 

I would have put my red eye liner inside.

Yep, you read that correctly. I would sometimes where red eye liner (from hot topic). And I didn't know how to wear makeup properly, so let me tell you that it was a hot ass mess. It wasn't a good look. But I was emo and thought it was cool to wear makeup like that. My group of friends, who were hella toxic, complimented me, so I kept wearing it. It wasn't a good look back then. I could probably find a way to make it work now that I know how to do my makeup, but I'm also super not into it. LOL

I would have put a picture of my grandma inside.

I didn't know how little time I had left with her. I didn't know that every time I saw her, a piece of her and who she was would be gone. I had no way of knowing that in just a few short years, she would be completely gone. I miss her so intensely, and I know that will never change. She and I had a special bond that I'm so incredibly grateful for.

I would put pictures of all my friends from high school inside because even though life was taking us in different directions, I knew that we would still talk often and stay friends.

Oh man, this one did NOT pan out one bit. Off the top of my head, I don't think talk to anyone I went to high school with anymore. I still follow a few people online just to see how their lives ended up (most of which are married with kids, which is soooo not my lifestyle), but I don't actively talk to them. We might exchange a comment to one another like "So cute!" or "Awww!" but that's about it, and even that is fairly sparse. I just honestly have no interest in continuing relationships with people I went to high school with. I am not the same person I was back then, and I'm sure some of them at least are different people, too. We never kept in touch, and I'm okay with that. Our ten year reunion was last summer, and I don't even know if there was a get together. If there was, I sure as shit wasn't invited lol. It's just not something I'm interested to participate in. I left that Jenny back at the school, and I don't want her back.

Please know that there are a few people I actually like as humans and wish them nothing but the best. I feel nostalgic for some of the friendships I had. I just don't necessarily feel the need to continue (or resume, in this case) the relationships at this point in my life.

I would have put my trumpet (not literally, of course) inside, because I thought that my life would revolve around playing my trumpet.

Don't get me wrong with this one, I still love my trumpet. I haven't played in quite some time, though. There are local groups I could join, and I could find ways to play more often, but it's just not a big part of my life now like I expected it to be. I was in band in college, and it was my favorite part of my college experience. I played in a group after college for a year, and also played in church pretty often. But as the years have gone on, I have found less and less motivation to play, and that's okay. I still love it. I still enjoy picking it up and just playing for fun. But I think that playing because I had to for so long took a lot of the joy out of it for me. Maybe one day I will get back into and join groups, but for now, I'm content with fond memories and playing every now and then just for me.

I would have put my two cats inside (again, not literally) because I loved them so much and couldn't imagine my life without them!

Little did I know that I only had roughly 2 years left with them. The day I left for college was the last day I saw them, because a couple weeks later they both had to be put down in the same week for two very different reasons. I didn't think I could experience heartbreak like that, but there I was in my lofted dorm bed sobbing and screaming into my pillow. I had no idea when I was 16 that I had such little time left with them.

And lastly, I would have put my brain inside because I had no clue how much I had left to learn.

I can't think of a good pun about essential oils

 I know, I know, I know... at the beginning of the month I made a post and stated I was hoping to be back the next week, but that clearly did not happen. Life, man. Once again, things in my personal life sorta blew up (some good things and some bad things). 

But I'm back today! WOO! 

I wanted to talk today about something I have purchased several times over the years: essential oil diffusers.

To add some context, my dad is a seller for essential oils, and got me into buying them. I don't personally use them for the health benefits necessarily, but I do like some oils to diffuse in my home to make the place smell nice. My nose is very sensitive to smells, so I can't use a lot of the really good ones like frankincense, for example, because the smell is offensive to me. But I love some citrus smelling ones or cinnamon-type oils. 

During winter, I tend to mix a bunch of spice-smelling oils to make my apartment smell like Christmas. Or I'll mix some citrus oils during the summer and make my apartment smell super summery. So I am a big fan of essential oil diffusers. I have tried several over the last few years, and finally found one that I will continue to buy. It's my favorite diffuser yet.

**Side note, I know the photos aren't the best quality, but I screenshotted them directly from Amazon, so they are a bit potato looking.**

These photos just show you a few things the diffuser can do. It's mostly standard stuff that most diffusers do, but I really like this one. 

I like that it's sort of wood-y looking (trees are basically my aesthetic lol). It matches my apartment in a lot of ways and just fits in nicely. I wish it was all that kind of wood look, but I also appreciate that it's white without the lights because I can turn the lights on if I want the *vibe* of the colors. I can also choose colors specifically if I want to instead of the colors changing. I don't use the colors often, but it can be nice at times. For example, around Halloween, I will have it stay on the sort of orange color because it matches all of my decorations :D

It also runs for fricken ever.. I think like 12 hours or something (I've never actually timed it). There are a lot of people that probably just want to use it for a short period of time, but I fill this baby to the top (there's a line near the top to indicate how full you can fill it) with water, pour some essential oil drops in, and just let it do its thing. Being able to set it and forget it is really nice.

I also like that it's square. That seems weird, but I've tried a lot of the round ones and weirdly shaped ones, but I just prefer the square. It's a little harder to clean because of the corners, but I don't mind too much. I'm just a big fan of the square style.

Amazon also offers a different color scheme, like more of a marble style instead of wood. It's not something I would want, but I am sure it's a big seller, as well. 

Overall, I'm a big fan of this diffuser. The price is a bit high, but I bought two of them at the same time back around the beginning of 2021, and they've lasted me this long. The list price is around $34 but they are often on sale, so you don't have to pay that much. If you're willing to spend the money, I recommend these. In my experience, they are worth the money.

If you are interested, there's a link below.

Essential Oil Diffuser

Reminder: This is not sponsored. I am just a fan of this product and wanted to share it with anyone who may be interested.

Okay, that's it for this one. I hope you are all have a wonderful spring (summer is coming, though... ew).

Bye, everyone! I will do my best to post again soon! <3 

I wrote a story about my bed. I made it myself.

 Hi there!

I know, I know... It's been a while. After my last post in February, my life just sort of went nuts again. I lost interest in creativity because I didn't have the energy for it. Things in my personal life have been chaotic, to say the least, work has been absolutely swamped, and my mental health has been... well... not the best to put it mildly. When I am done with work or other obligations for the day, all I want to do is veg in front of the TV and not do anything else. I don't want to use my brain any more.

But I am hopeful that I will get back into the swing of things with my blog. I literally only know one person who actually reads it, but that's okay because I am doing this for me. So here's to spring time and hopefully better times in my life.

The other night, I was just laying down in my bed and had this super stupid thought that I figured I would share.

I always sleep on one side of my bed.

Okay, I know that doesn't sound that stupid. A lot of people have "their" side of the bed. But that's not what I mean. It doesn't matter to me which side of the bed I sleep on, but I always have to be on one of the sides. Not the middle.

For the majority of my life, I had a twin size bed. I had one when I was a kid and in high school, and then I had one again in college while living in the dorms. So I got used to sleeping in a small sort of bed, and it never really bothered me. I just kept my arms and legs inside the ride at all times.

But when I moved into an apartment with a friend from college a few weeks after graduation, I ended up with a queen size bed gifted to me by my grandpa, which I am so grateful for. It's been many years and I still have the bed - different mattress, but same bed.

I was jazzed to say the least. I had never had a queen size bed. I'd slept on them in the past in hotel rooms specifically, but never had one that I could call my own. I honestly figured that I would always sleep in the middle of the bed and it would be glorious.

However, right before moving into said apartment, I met my current boyfriend, and so I got into the habit of staying on a side of the bed because when he would spend the night (typically every other weekend roughly), we would sleep in the bed together and I would need to stay on my side. Granted, neither of us ever slept well, but that's because we both very much like our space when sleeping and a queen size bed for the two of us was a bad call.

Then, after a year of staying at each other's places on weekends, we moved in together. And we decided to still sleep in separate beds, which I was all for. Both of our queen size beds fit into our bedroom, and he's a fairly big dude, so he wanted his bed all to himself, and I enjoyed my space while sleeping. It was a perfect scenario for us at the time, and I figured I would finally start sleeping in the middle of the bed.

That didn't happen, though.

My boyfriend's cat decided that one side of the bed would be his, so I stayed on my side of the bed once more. Our cat, however, didn't always follow that rule ;)

But I'm not mad at that at all. It was actually really nice.

When I moved out of our house and into an apartment with a friend (living together just didn't work for us - long story not pertinent to this topic), I had my bed all to myself once more. 

But the crazy thing? I stuck to one side of the bed. I didn't even realize I was doing it for a long time. Once I did realize it, though, I thought, "Hey genius, now's the time to try out sleeping in the middle of the bed." After 3 years, I finally did it and slept in the middle.

The first few nights seemed magical. I HAD SO MUCH ROOM FOR ACTIVITIES!

But after those nights, I just sorta realized that something didn't feel right. I wasn't sleeping as soundly as I used to. 

So I started sleeping on one side of the bed once more, and all went back to normal. Everything just felt sort of right in the world again.

It's bizarre. Truly. I don't know what part of my psychology requires me to sleep on a side of the bed. Even more bizarre is that it doesn't really matter to me which side I sleep on. 

When I lived in my first apartment, I slept on the left side of the bed for part of the year and right side after I rearranged the room. When I lived in the house with my boyfriend, I slept on the left side of the bed. When I moved back into an apartment, I slept on the right side of the bed. And now, in a different apartment, I have slept on both the left and right sides of the bed depending on how the room is arranged. 

See? It doesn't necessarily matter which side I sleep on. I usually sleep on the side closest to my night stand, which moves around based on the room itself. 

It's a stupid little thought that I had, but I have only slept in the middle of my queen size bed a handful of times, and I find that weird. I don't know why I'm like this.

I suppose it's just another quirk of mine. 

I'm not like grumpy about it or anything. I find it somewhat comical. More though, I just find it to be an interesting part of who I am. Probably because I don't get it... Why am I like this? 

I don't know, really. Just a random thought...

Well, I suppose that's it for this one. I hope to be back again next week.

Okay, bye, everyone. I hope you are all having a great spring!