There might actually be a reunion, but I have no clue. There was apparently a 5 year reunion, but I wasn't invited.
If there is a 10 year reunion, I assume I will once again not be invited, and I'm okay with that (I wouldn't go anyway). It's partially because no one really liked me and I haven't kept in touch with anyone, and it's partially because I don't think anyone knows how to contact me anymore (which I am also totally okay with).
Plus, most of the people I went to high school with are now married with children. Good for them as long as they're happy. But that's definitely not my life. That's not what I want. And I don't really want to have small talk with a bunch of people I don't really like that I have literally nothing in common with other than going to school together so many years ago.
High school sucked for me like I assume it sucked for pretty much everyone. I remember being miserable. I made the best of what I had been given, but I was bullied heavily because I was different. Some of it was my fault for trusting the wrong people, but I didn't deserve the emotional torture I got. I won't go into some of the shit that I went through because it really doesn't matter right now. I might talk about it on here eventually, but also maybe not. I don't know. I've been trying really hard to move on. I am who I am because of what I went through, and for that, at least, I'm grateful in a really sick way.
What I really want to talk about today is something much more painful for me.
A year or two ago, I was having a chat with an old high school friend on facebook. This person was one of my best friends, and I loved him dearly. We didn't keep in touch after high school like I had hoped we would, and I know that's partially my fault because I just wanted to move on from those days.
During this chat, he brought up some stuff that I was completely unaware of and shocked by. He said that I bullied him.
This absolutely broke my heart, and it's still painful to think about. He listed a lot of stuff I did to him, and honestly, I don't remember any of it. I don't remember breaking his heart over and over again through my actions and decisions. I was (and still am) so upset, and I told him as such.
I apologized profusely. I know that I can't undo the damage that I did to him. He got really upset with me because I didn't remember. I think he wanted me to fight with him and say that it didn't happen. I think he was looking for a fight or waiting for me to deny the stuff he said I did to him.
But here's the thing... I know that if I told my bullies how they treated me and how much it hurt, they wouldn't believe me or they would tell me I'm being dumb or whatever. I believe him when he says that I hurt him. And I owned up to it. Just because I don't remember it doesn't mean it didn't happen. His experience is his alone, and who am I to tell him he's wrong? I believe him when he says that I hurt him.
He has every right to be angry with me after the way I treated him. I only remember loving him and being close to him, but he sees it differently, and I so wish I could change that. I wish I could go back and be better to someone I considered my best friend.
He blocked me shortly after that... so I will never be able to continue to apologize. I will never be able to try and rectify the damage I caused.
This experience really made me think more introspectively about who I am and how I treat people. I never intentionally hurt people. I do my best to be kind. But high school me was just trying to survive. I was miserable and just trying to have fun and find ways out of the misery. And if I hurt people in the process, especially those I cared about, I'm devastated.
I know that not too many people read this, but if anyone I've ever hurt does, please know that I'm sorry. I may not remember what I did to you, but I don't remember a large portion of my high school and college experiences. I know that I sometimes didn't make the right choices, and I know that I can have a big mouth and say the completely wrong things. It's something I have spent the last few years really trying to work on. But I am so sorry to anyone I have hurt.
This has really been weighing on me for the last couple of years.
I wish that I could take more accountability for the things I did or didn't do in certain situations. I wish I could mend fences.
This was a life lesson for me in a lot of ways. I need, and I think everyone needs, to remember that everyone has their own stories. Everyone has their own life experiences. Please be kind to other people. I know that's cheesy, but I think it's really important. You never know what's going on in someone else's life. You don't know what's going on in someone else's head or heart. You just don't know.
I do need to move on from this, though. I can't change who I was or what I did in the past. I can only work on myself now. I have been dwelling on this for so long, and I can't keep beating myself up by it.
That may be wrong to say, because I sometimes wonder if the people who bullied me are aware of how they treated me and other people, but I have to let go of that. I can't change other people, and I can't turn back the hands of time.
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