Uncoordinated and Unhappy

 PE was a rough time for kids like me. I am super uncoordinated, I'm a little overweight, and I don't like physically activity. That's how I was when I was younger and that's how I am now.

So basically, PE was my hell. Especially when most of the other kids were super into PE.

When I was super young, I actually kind of liked PE because it was fun games and activities for kids, so I could feel comfortable taking part. But as I hit puberty, the changes and differences became real. So this post is going to be some of my experiences with PE.... and mostly about why I hated it.

Forcing kids in junior high and high school to shower together in an open concept shower is cruel, in my opinion. It's asking us to compare ourselves to other people our age and wonder why we don't look the same as other people. It's a big reason that I hated PE. I hated working up a sweat and showering in front of these skinny girls who looked so different than how I looked. In some cases, how I wish I looked. There should be curtains or partitions, and I am still disgusted that this is just the way it is. I genuinely don't understand it.... 

There were a couple of things I was good at in PE, which people who know me probably find shocking. I was surprisingly decent at hockey, I was good at dodging the balls in dodgeball (not so much at throwing, though, so I was often the last hope for our team and then we lost). I also really enjoyed the made up games we used to play like Steal the Bacon. I enjoyed kickball and capture the flag, too. PE wasn't always so awful. I think it depended on who was in PE with me. Some of my classmates were a little too into PE (in my opinion) but some were really there to have fun.

I remember one time in kickball, I was up and ready to kick, and the pitcher threw the ball as a joke instead of rolling it, and it hit me square in the face. I was shook. It hurt but it was honestly really funny. The pitcher, who was one of the popular guys who seemed to actually like me (but wouldn't admit it because I wasn't popular), ran up to me and was freaking out because he felt so bad. I was just laughing my ass off. I told him I was fine and it was no big deal, but the PE teacher FREAKED OUT! Yelled at him that it was kickball and the pitcher should roll the ball and not throw it. I kept trying to say it was fine and not a big deal. This kid looked like he had been kicked in the nuts. Shit happens, ya know? It wasn't the first time I caught a ball in the face and it definitely wasn't the last. 

I don't know why I remember that so well, but it was just one of those moments that sticks in my head.

Another moment I remember was while playing our schools' version of Capture the Flag (instead of flags, we had a few bowling pins we had to get). All of my teammates were in jail, and the kids on the other team knew I wasn't a very fast runner, so they just kind of laughed with each other because they thought they had won. In a moment of pure courage for me, I made a run for it and got my teammates out of jail.

I don't know how I did it successfully to be completely honest. I guess I used my disadvantage of being slow and uncoordinated to my advantage. I was really proud of myself.

Unfortunately, most of my PE experiences are overrun with negative memories.

I hated the couple times a year we had to do the testing. Ya know, pullups, pushups, the mile... omg.... I always felt sooooo inadequate. I know for a fact that there were years that I would get absolutely 0 on pullups, and I almost always had the longest time in the mile.

At least once I finished embarrassing myself on the pullups and pushups and whatever else, I could go to the back of the gym and make fun of myself with my friends while the star PE kids would go and get high numbers. My embarrassment ended quickly.

With the mile, however, it was torture. I would do a mix of light jogging with mostly walking. I hated being watched and timed. If I wasn't timed and if no one watched me, I think I could have maybe enjoyed it, but the added pressure just made me more anxious and nervous. Other kids would run the mile in just a few minutes, while my time was always WAY higher. I would struggle with one or two other kids, and the kids who had already finished would sit on the grass watching and being bored waiting. Knowing that you're the reason that the other kids can't go inside and play dodgeball? Knowing that the other kids are either making fun of you because you're fat and slow, or they hate you because they're bored and just want to go inside? Getting judged because of how long it takes you to run the mile? It was cruel and unusual punishment. 

I remember the only year in high school I took PE. The PE teacher didn't really give a shit and didn't want to sit outside and wait for us to finish the mile, so his rule was that we only had to run the half mile and then he would double our time. It felt like a saving grace. Half a mile, although still challenging, was less stressful for me. I could do it. I would still be slow, but not as crazy slow.

However, it turned out to be one of the worst experiences of my life with one caveat: it showed me that the girls in my class weren't complete assholes all the time. 

So shortly before that fateful day, I had been told that I had irregular heartbeats. I had to go see a specialist, who made me wear a heart monitor for 48 hours. It just so happened, that on one of those days, we ran the (half)mile in PE. I was not allowed to do much physical activity with this heart monitor because the doctor wanted to see what just normal life was like for me (I also wasn't allowed to dance during our musical rehearsals).

The PE teacher forced me to participate on that day, though, instead of either not making me do it at all or rescheduling it for another day. So I had to slowly walk because I couldn't get my heart beating too fast. I basically walked the half mile at a normal walking pace.

The idea is great in theory. I didn't have to do anything crazy, and I didn't think I would feel embarrassed, because I literally wasn't allowed to try and get a fast time.

The reality, on the other hand, was way worse. As I got about half way done with the first of two laps, everyone else was done. So I'm just sitting there walking around the track slowly while my classmates are all sitting in the grass.

They all seemed to understand, so I was grateful. But then, the PE teacher said that everyone needed to go inside and could start playing dodgeball or whatever game they were going to play that day. Ok well.... that's really upsetting. I was to be left all alone on the track. EVERYONE was going to head back inside.

In a moment of kindness, the majority of girls in my class ran out onto the track and started walking with me in a moment of solidarity. They knew that I was embarrassed by the thought of them leaving me out there, and they wanted to support me because I had no choice in the matter.

I was overjoyed. I couldn't believe that the girls in my class would be so wonderful.

But then the PE teacher came back out from the school, walked onto the track, and started screaming at the girls. He told them that I didn't need anyone to walk with me and could do it alone. One of the girls yelled back at him that it was unfair to leave me out here alone and that they wanted to walk with me until I was finished. So he yelled back that if anyone stayed with me, they would get detention.

They all went back inside. I was devastated. I spent the last lap crying. I was so embarrassed.

I want to give the teacher the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that he did this to try and make sure I wasn't embarrassed. Maybe he thought that being alone would be better than having people walk with me. I want to believe that he wouldn't be that cruel. I want to believe he was doing it with my best intention at mind.

But I also know that teacher. I spent quite a bit of time with him in PE and drivers' ed. He wasn't the nicest person in my personal experiences. And I'm not sure that he really gave a shit about me or anyone that wasn't good at PE... or anyone at all...

I just don't know. But I know that it was one of the worst days of my life. I was ashamed and embarrassed, and for really the first time in my life, learned what it meant to be truly alone.

The next year, I chose to skip taking PE. At the time, high school students were required to take at least two years of PE unless they were in a sport like basketball or volleyball. So instead of taking PE my sophomore year, I decided to wait and take it my senior year. Why suffer now when I can suffer later? Lol... great idea, right?

Well, it was a great idea. Because the next year, there were new rules. As long as a student was in a sport during a particular semester, they were exempt from PE. They changed the rule to include my sports: marching band in the fall and show choir in the spring. I was overjoyed to never have to take PE again. And honestly, it made sense. Marching band and show choir definitely include physical activity. That was my saving grace. I no longer had to embarrass myself in that class. 

I'm sure that a lot of people have experiences like mine. I got lucky in high school by only having to take one year of PE. Some kids probably didn't or don't get so lucky.

But the experiences from PE, a lot of them at least, will stick with me forever. Honestly, I think PE is a big reason I hate physical activity. I always feel judged and like I'm not good enough. It's stupid, but it's a little nugget of hatred in my brain that I have trouble removing.

PE made me feel incredibly alone and inadequate, and I will probably spend my entire life dealing with that trauma. 

So that's fun...