A few months back, the idea of time capsules came up. I couldn't tell you how it came up, who it came up with, or what the conversation was like, but it got me thinking about myself.
I don't really have an interest in doing a time capsule now as an adult. For me, I don't think it's necessary.
However, I got to thinking about what would have been in a time capsule if I had made one when I was younger.
So here's to a list of things, both real and metaphorical, I would have put into a time capsule when I was 16 years old along with some notes from adult me.
I would have put a picture of myself in the hopes that I would have thinned out.
Back then, I thought that my weight was my self worth. I still struggle with the idea that my weight doesn't define me, but I was thinner when I was 16 than I have been since, and I wish that 16 year old me could have just loved herself for who she was instead of constantly worrying about her body and how other people perceived her body. I made a lot of mistakes because of my low self esteem; I thought I was so fat and ugly. And looking back, I just wish I could hug 16 year old me and tell her that she needed to love herself and accept who she was... not that she would have listened lol
I would have put mix CD's filled with emo music that I loved at the time.
What a joke. I was convinced that my "emo" phase wasn't a phase and was just who I was. Don't get me wrong, I still have some love for some of the music, but I rarely listen to it anymore because it brings me back to how dark things were for me.
I would have put my heart inside in the hopes that by now I would be married and have children.
I remember thinking about this a lot. I figured that I would be a failure if I wasn't married with children by the time I was 30. I'm only a little over a year away from 30 and I tell you what, my opinions have drastically changed. I'm in a committed relationship with a man I love deeply. But we aren't getting married. I don't want to get married. And we are absolutely not having children, because we don't want children. It's absolutely nuts to think that I used to just assume that I had to have children; I didn't think it was an option or choice.
I would have put Snowy, my beloved polar bear stuffed animal, inside because I was embarrassed to still be sleeping with him every night.
Snowy is a little worse for wear, but I still sleep with him every single night, and I have absolutely no shame whatsoever. He makes me feel at home, and I will never stop sleeping with him (unless he gets absolutely wrecked and I have to either throw him out - which will never happen - or get him fixed up).
I would have put my bracelets inside to use as a cover-up when I cut my wrists.
Such a dark time of my life. I cut my wrists for many years as a way to exchange my emotional and mental pain for physical pain. To ensure that I hid the cuts and scars, I wore these beaded bracelets I still have to this day. I don't use them anymore, thankfully, but I keep them as a reminder that my life is precious, and there are better ways to handle my mental health.
I would have put my poetry inside because I had really high expectations that I would be a famous author.
Ya know, this one took me a long time to accept. I still would love to be published some day, but it's not really a huge goal anymore. I'm average. I'm not going to be famous or rich or anything like that, and I'm absolutely okay with that. I am damn good at my job right now, and I love what I do. I don't need to be a famous writer to be worthy.
I would have put my ripped up jeans with the splatter paint on them inside because I wanted so badly to be cool and fit in.
Wow... this one is hard for me. I think about those jeans often and kind of miss them. However, I only bought them because I thought they would somehow make me cooler. What a friggen joke. Jeans can't do that. I was never going to fit in while I was in high school. I was never going to be liked. As an adult, I am much happier with my close-knit group of people I spend time with (mainly my boyfriend and family). They love me for who I am and not for the show I put on. I don't need to be popular and be liked by the masses. Now, I wear clothes I want to wear. Hell, the only jeans I own are jeggings. So take that 16 year old me!
I would have put my birth control packets inside because I didn't think I'd ever go off of it.
I didn't realize how big a toll the pill had on my mental and physical health. I was on birth control for almost 10 years of my life (starting at a fairly young age), and going off of it was brutal. Everything went completely off the rails in my body and brain, which was to be expected. But once regulated, my body has taken care of me. I am able to better understand my mental health and menstrual cycles. Birth control was bad for me (just my experience), and going off of it was one of the hardest and best decisions of my life.
I would have put the picture my ex drew for me while he was in jail inside because even through so many breakups, I knew we were end game.
**BARF**. While I was in high school, my ex went to jail. While in jail, he wrote me letters and made a kinda cute drawing for me. I cherished that drawing for many years. Little does 16 year old me know, I burned that shit while I was in college. Although I have moments where I'm grateful for that relationship, I also remember just how toxic it was. It ruined a part of me in a way I can't describe, and I'm scarred for life because of it. I've learned what healthy relationships look like now as an adult, and it's really painful to look back.
I would have put my red eye liner inside.
Yep, you read that correctly. I would sometimes where red eye liner (from hot topic). And I didn't know how to wear makeup properly, so let me tell you that it was a hot ass mess. It wasn't a good look. But I was emo and thought it was cool to wear makeup like that. My group of friends, who were hella toxic, complimented me, so I kept wearing it. It wasn't a good look back then. I could probably find a way to make it work now that I know how to do my makeup, but I'm also super not into it. LOL
I would have put a picture of my grandma inside.
I didn't know how little time I had left with her. I didn't know that every time I saw her, a piece of her and who she was would be gone. I had no way of knowing that in just a few short years, she would be completely gone. I miss her so intensely, and I know that will never change. She and I had a special bond that I'm so incredibly grateful for.
I would put pictures of all my friends from high school inside because even though life was taking us in different directions, I knew that we would still talk often and stay friends.
Oh man, this one did NOT pan out one bit. Off the top of my head, I don't think talk to anyone I went to high school with anymore. I still follow a few people online just to see how their lives ended up (most of which are married with kids, which is soooo not my lifestyle), but I don't actively talk to them. We might exchange a comment to one another like "So cute!" or "Awww!" but that's about it, and even that is fairly sparse. I just honestly have no interest in continuing relationships with people I went to high school with. I am not the same person I was back then, and I'm sure some of them at least are different people, too. We never kept in touch, and I'm okay with that. Our ten year reunion was last summer, and I don't even know if there was a get together. If there was, I sure as shit wasn't invited lol. It's just not something I'm interested to participate in. I left that Jenny back at the school, and I don't want her back.
Please know that there are a few people I actually like as humans and wish them nothing but the best. I feel nostalgic for some of the friendships I had. I just don't necessarily feel the need to continue (or resume, in this case) the relationships at this point in my life.
I would have put my trumpet (not literally, of course) inside, because I thought that my life would revolve around playing my trumpet.
Don't get me wrong with this one, I still love my trumpet. I haven't played in quite some time, though. There are local groups I could join, and I could find ways to play more often, but it's just not a big part of my life now like I expected it to be. I was in band in college, and it was my favorite part of my college experience. I played in a group after college for a year, and also played in church pretty often. But as the years have gone on, I have found less and less motivation to play, and that's okay. I still love it. I still enjoy picking it up and just playing for fun. But I think that playing because I had to for so long took a lot of the joy out of it for me. Maybe one day I will get back into and join groups, but for now, I'm content with fond memories and playing every now and then just for me.
I would have put my two cats inside (again, not literally) because I loved them so much and couldn't imagine my life without them!
Little did I know that I only had roughly 2 years left with them. The day I left for college was the last day I saw them, because a couple weeks later they both had to be put down in the same week for two very different reasons. I didn't think I could experience heartbreak like that, but there I was in my lofted dorm bed sobbing and screaming into my pillow. I had no idea when I was 16 that I had such little time left with them.
And lastly, I would have put my brain inside because I had no clue how much I had left to learn.
