For My Stuffies

 Oh hello there! Long time no speak... it's been several months since I posted. There's only like one person who even reads my blog (thank you, babe), so I doubt anyone missed me, but here I am.

I'm not sure why I wanted to make this post, if I'm being honest, but I thought I'd share something very personal to me.

I have several stuffed animals (stuffies as one of my nephews calls them). Some I've had since I was a kid while some are newer to my collection. For example, my husband and I were walking through Walmart a month or so before Easter, and I saw this big bunny. It's sort of a teal blue with lime green accessories, and I thought it was the cutest thing ever. My husband bought him for me. His name is Bluey. His name is a bit on the nose, but that's the name that came to me.

There was also a stuffed animal I came across at Barnes and Noble years ago. It was this green monster that was released with a book about the monster. There was a whole collection of monsters and accompanying books, but I fell in love with the one named Pickle. My husband bought it for me for Christmas that year.

Bluey and Pickle are just a couple of my recent additions, but I also have a few that go back a little further in my life.

Sharky is a dolphin pillow pet I got right before I went off to college. I'm not sure who gave him to me or why, but I always wanted a pillow pet, so thank you to whoever bought him for me. When I went off to college, he didn't have a name yet, so my freshmen roommate jokingly said to call him Sharky. Here we are ten years later, and that's still his name (thank you, Amanda).

There are so many more. And around 8 ish years ago, my mom packed up all the ones that I didn't have much of a connection to and donated them.. I think they went to a children's hospital, but it was so long ago that I don't fully recall. I felt weird about getting rid of them, but I didn't have as big an emotional connection with them, so it wasn't worth keeping them all. Not even joking, I want to say there were eat least 50 stuffed animals. I certainly didn't have the space in the places I've lived over the years (still don't), so it just made sense to get rid of them.

Most of the ones I kept sit on top of one of my bookshelves, but there are two specifically that live in my bed with me that I sleep with every night.

Firstly, there's Pinky.

Pinky came into my life when I was like 10, I think. I had to get my tonsils removed, and I was terrified, so my parents bought him for me as a gift to carry into surgery with me. I adore Pinky. I hate the color pink and pretty much always have, but I just love this aggressively hot pink bear. He comes and goes from my bed, but more often than not, my bed is his home.

Pinky is definitely showing his age.. especially around his nose and some of his ribbons. But I love him, and I'm so glad to still have him.

And then there's Snowy. 

Snowy has been my best friend through it all. I don't know exactly when I got him, but I assume I was very young. There isn't a time in my life I don't remember having him. 

He has followed me to summers camps, college, and several moves. With very few exceptions, I have slept with him every night. Even now, as an adult, I will bring him with me if I'm spending the night away from home. He brings me comfort and peace, which is immeasurably important. 

I remember being fairly young and leaving him at a hotel around 5 hours away from home. My family and I were maybe an hour away from the hotel and heading home, and I lost my damn mind. I remember being so stressed and overwhelmed without him. I seem to recall my mom calling the hotel to see if they had him, but I don't remember the resolution. Part of me remembers him being packed in a suitcase, so we didn't have to go back, but part of me also remembers driving back to get him. I don't know which ending of the story is accurate, but I remember how upset and devastated I was at the thought of losing him.

For many years, high school and a bit of college mainly, I was so embarrassed to still sleep with a stuffed animal (or two), but as I've gotten older, I just have to laugh at myself. Who cares? My husband knew about Snowy specifically very early on in our relationship and, from what he's told me at least, doesn't seem to care. He still has some of his stuffed animals. He doesn't sleep with them, but I know he would be devastated if he didn't have them anymore.

I guess my point here is that you should do what you want. An old friend of mine used to bring her "blankie" with her when we'd watch horror movies. People do what they have to do to stay sane. If you have a stuffie, blanket, or, hell, even an old ass t-shirt that brings you comfort, then good for you! We all need comfort of some form. We all need that emotional support. In my case, I have my family (husband included) and my stuffed animals. My husband has a ratty t-shirt that's like 20 years old or something that he wears from time to time. Hopefully he's not mad about me including that... Sorry, babe.

Don't let societal standards turn you into too much of an adult. It's no fun.

Thanks for reading! See you on the next one! 

All we can do is keep breathing

 
Hi, everyone.

It's definitely been a while since I've posted... October of 2023, I think, was the last time I used this blog. I'm not really sure what to even say. Things are really bad right now in the world, and it's incredibly difficult to stay motivated and positive. 

I read this thing on Facebook that my aunt shared earlier today that made me feel validated. Stay with me here because I'm definitely paraphrasing and adding my own comments in to what I read.

It's okay to feel tired and exhausted. We spent a year really going hard with the fight and pushing ourselves to not lose hope. We spent almost ten years arguing with our friends, family, and randos on the internet to no avail. We lost the election. After the election and after he took power, we just sort of shut down. I've shut down, and based on what I'm seeing in the world and on social media, it appears I'm not alone. We're exhausted and disappointed. We're just fucking tired.

I for one have felt so very guilty over the last month and a bit because, although I wasn't doing the arguing or fighting, I was doom scrolling a lot and trying to find hope. I feel empty and have felt empty since the loss especially. I've felt guilty for not keeping up with the news like I previously had. I avoid certain social media sites (you know exactly which one specifically) because it is too hard to see all the negativity and hate in there. But I'm giving myself some grace.

Things are horrible. The man in power is destroying this country and we're only a few days in to his term. And I still feel guilty for not putting more energy into staying alert and aware. But you know what? I just can't do it right now. I had the holidays to try and focus on good things, but was depressed for literally all of it. I didn't enjoy my holiday season as much as I would have liked even though so many fun things occurred. It's hard to quantify the heartbreak I feel, but I know I'm not alone.

All of this is to say that although it may not be the right thing to sort of bury my head in the sand, I'm giving myself some grace.

We fought. We argued. We stood up. But we still lost. We shut down.

This post I saw on Facebook basically said that it's okay to take a break. We need to rest after all those years of fighting. We need to rest and come back rejuvenated. 

To be honest, I don't know if we will come back stronger. But for the first time in a while, I have a small amount of hope that spring will be a renewal and we will come back and fight again. We just need a rest.

Spring is a time for renewal and rebirth in nature. And although I really hate summer (so so much hatred), I love spring. I find the trees sprouting and the grass turning green again a beautiful thing. My allergies aren't a fan, but my heart and soul are. I always get a little depressed after Christmas and New Years after the Christmas trees and lights and decorations come down, but this year was even harder due to the state of the country and the world. So spring will bring back the color into my life that has been missing.

I am not much of a fighter and never have been, but I will try to be a safe place for anyone who needs it. I have my own battles that are coming just like everyone else does, but I want to be there for anyone who needs it. My home is a safe place. 

What I'm getting at in this long winded and rambly post is that things are going to get even worse. I don't think any of us can deny that. Although my hope is almost completely gone, I am trying to find it again. 

Let's rise up and keep fighting in whatever way we can for what we believe in and what we know is right. If we don't, no one else will.